basketcase1980 (basketcase1980) wrote in cynicaliberal,

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Hey, I'm new to this group. My name is Julie and I hate Bush. Europe is so enlightened and America is going to hell in a handbasket. Anyway, in light of the stupid anti-abortion law passed in South Dakota, I'm writing (mostly for shits and giggles) a bit of satire making fun of it, in the forms of newspaper articles. Here I will post the first three I wrote (also in my live journal) and more are on the way. Not sure how many more. As many as I feel like. Probably one or two. Don't want to beat a dead horse. So here they are!



(Sioux Falls, SD)

April 12th, 2011

Following the introduction of a new law passed last month, in South Dakota, outlawing menstruation on the basis that it "kills innocent babies," all South Dakota women were ordered to have sexual relations with their husbands, boyfriends, or male friends/acquaintances, or go to sperm banks to ensure fertilization of their next egg to be released. Failure to do so could result in a fine of up to $100,000 plus up to 45 years in prison.

"So many eggs... that have the potential to become human beings, are being flushed down the toilet or absorbed in sanitary napkins every month," said recently elected South Dakota Governor, Jerry Falwell. "It disgusts me that so many babies are being killed every month. Imagine that your 25-year-old daughter has been getting her period for 14 years. That's 168 babies-- at least, assuming that only one egg was released per month-- being tragically killed. This cannot go on. God will not stand for it. In fact, His purpose for making women menstruate is so they can see the blood of these poor babies being passed into the toilet."

South Dakota women were given a month in which to get their latest egg or eggs fertilized, or face murder charges.

"A month is more than ample time," said Falwell. "If you can't find a way to fertilize that egg in that amount of time, then you're a murderer-- plain and simple."

The passing of the new law was met with outrage when pro-choice groups demanded to know why their daughters, some as young as ten, had to get pregnant.

"I don't want my ten-year-old daughter to have to get pregnant already," said a Sioux Falls mother, whose daughter just got her first period in February. "No kid that age should have to carry a baby around for nine months. It's bad enough this new law will require her to do it every year until menopause."

When asked if masturbation and nocturnal emissions are murder, as millions of sperm are wasted at a time, Falwell said, "Yes, it is murder. Masturbation is a sin. I can do very little to outlaw it, as much as I want to. And nocturnal emissions? That can't be helped. You can't help what you do in your sleep."

Many people responded in outrage at Falwell's implication that menstruation should be easy enough to prevent, whereas nocturnal emissions "can't be helped," and that he can do "very little to outlaw [masturbation]."

"It's a double standard enforced by a male chauvinist," said a Bismark woman who asked not to be identified. "Falwell is passing these laws at his convenience, and to control women."

When this irony was brought to Falwell's attention, Falwell refused to comment.


Menstruating Woman Charged With Murder, Possessing Tampons

(San Francisco, CA)

October 21st, 2015

It started with a landmark act that was passed over 4 years ago in South Dakota by Governor Jerry Falwell, a law outlawing menstruation and requiring women to fertilize every egg that they release from the onset of menarche until menopause. Just a year later, when Falwell was elected President, the law became national, and anybody menstruating could be convicted of murder.

For the most part, women don't want to spend the rest of their lives in prison-- or have to submit to the death penalty, and thus they followed the law with surprisingly very little protest. Those who didn't agree moved to Canada.

"Good riddance," said Falwell, when asked what he thought of women who moved to Canada to avoid arrest. "We don't need vermin like that here. We're a good, God-fearing Christian nation, and I intend to keep it that way."

However, Jane Smith, 25, was arrested last week on charges that she obtained illegal birth control, stopped getting pregnant, and started menstruating. Her sister, Jessica, discovered boxes of condoms, birth control pills, and tampons in the cabinet under the sink in Jane's bathroom, and immediately alerted the police.

Smith, of San Francisco, is a mother of four and should have been pregnant with her fifth child by now. When questioned by police, she broke down in tears.

"I already have four kids, and they're hard enough to control," said Smith. "I can't handle any more, and I can't deal with postpartum depression. I just don't ever want to be pregnant again."

Jane Smith's four kids were immediately placed in foster care, and Smith was ordered held without bail when she confessed that she didn't want to have any more children.

"If she willingly kills a defenseless little egg," said Federal Judge Hubert Jones, "Who's to say where she'll draw the line? Who's to say she won't murder her own kids if she doesn't want them anymore? This is a very dangerous situation."

If convicted, Smith faces life in prison without the possibility of parole. Some prosecutors are also seeking the death penalty.


Ten-Year-Old Girl Looking at Possible Life Sentence, Death Penalty

(Corpus Christi, TX)

March 25th, 2025

A ten-year-old girl who got her period for the first time last week refuses to get her next egg fertilized. U.S. law, following then-President Jerry Falwell's 2012 national ban on menstruation, requires that all girls, following their first period, immediately arrange to get their next egg fertilized, and to continue fertilizing every egg they release until they reach menopause.

"It's a shame we can't figure out when a girl will get her first period," Falwell had said. "Otherwise we would enforce the fertilization of eggs from the onset of menarche. It's a shame to see human life get flushed down the toilet like that, even if just once in the woman's lifetime."

President Pat Robertson, who has just begun his second term in office, is hoping to find a way to determine the onset of menarche so girls will waste no time in getting pregnant.

"There should be a way," he says. "I have faith that God will guide us towards the means of determining menarche."

All other girls who have just gotten their first periods are wasting no time in getting pregnant-- the punishment for menstruation is life in prison without chance of parole, or the death penalty.

Linda Stevenson, 10, of Corpus Christi, Texas, just got her first period last week, and she insists she's not ready to get pregnant.

"I don't want to... you know... do it with a guy. That kinda scares me," said Stevenson. "My mom didn't do it until she was in college."

This particular fear instilled in girls today is of increasing concern, but President Robertson has said several times that sexual activity isn't necessary, that one can go to a sperm bank instead in order to get pregnant.

"That still freaks me out," said the girl. "And I don't want to have to carry a baby around for 9 months, and then have to take care of it. Why can't I just ride bikes with my friends like kids from my mom's day did?"

"Of course someone would say something like that," says Robertson with a shake of his head. "It's the temptation of the Devil, not the path to Christ. The path to Christ involves doing things that you don't always want to do. But that's an important lesson of Christianity, that hardship and suffering brings you closer to Christ. And one key rule in the Bible is to be fruitful and multiply."

"Doesn't the Bible also say that sex before marriage is a sin?" asked Stevenson, knowing that many girls her age would be having sex in order to satisfy the anti-menstruation law.

That is a question that many people were afraid to ask. Robertson declined to comment.

Linda Stevenson has been ordered to go to a sperm bank in time for her next ovulation, or face life imprisonment or even the death penalty.

"We can't afford to lose any precious human life," Robertson said. "We need to nip this in the bud, and get on the path to Christ before judgment day, when it will be too late."

(c) Me, all names (except for Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson) came out of my head. This is satire only and any resemblance to any real person, living or dead, bla bla bla, is coincidental and unintentional.

Also, I realized in my first post that I put Bismark as a city in South Dakota. Brain fart. It is actually in North Dakota. Sorry!
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